DRAFT Magazine

By Zach Fowle

It’s happened to many of us before: you’re at your buddy’s house for the big game. You settle in with a six-pack of your favorite brew and ask for a bottle opener to pop one open. He replies that he only drinks macros with twist off caps (why are you friends with this guy again?) so he doesn’t have one. What’s a thirsty reveler to do?

A bevy of products exist to fill the niche and avoid just such a dilemma, but if you’ve already forgotten what they taught you in the Boy Scouts and left yourself unprepared (shame!), there are several other ways to get that beer bottle open.

Some techniques are difficult. Some are downright dangerous. But desperate times call for desperate measures.

Table
We’ll start with the basics. A trained monkey could pull off this next technique. Come to think of it, that would be pretty awesome. Weekend planned.

The Method

Find a counter with a sharp edge. Also works with chairs, windowsills, car bumpers, and your friend’s flatscreen.
Grip the beer firmly in one hand and place the lip of the cap over the edge of the counter. The bottle should be positioned so you can tug on it and the cap would still catch.
Make a fist with your other hand and pound the top of the bottle. If you’ve pounded hard enough, the top will pop right off.

The Risks

Requires a certain amount of manliness and arm strength. Make sure the grip on the bottle is firm and the strike from overhead is forceful and confident. But don’t overdo it: you could punch the beer right out of your lower hand and into a pile of shards on the floor. Also a stubborn beer or an improper placement could cause you to take chunks out of whatever surface you’re using. This is especially awkward when using a flatscreen.

Difficulty Level: 3

Fork/spoon/knife
Archimedes once said, “Give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I will move the world.” While your aspirations are decidedly less grandiose, the same method can apply when opening a beer with utensils.

The Method

Grasp the beer firmly at the neck, with your index finger just under the edge of the bottle cap. This is your fulcrum.
Fit the tip of your utensil of choice under the bottle cap so that it is wedged between the edge of the bottle cap and the part of your index finger closest to your hand. This will be your lever.
Press down on the end of the utensil with your free hand and leverage the cap off.
Pour out some for your homie Archimedes.

The Risks

Spoons work better than knives or forks. Whatever you choose to work with, make sure it’s clean beforehand.

Difficulty Level: 4

Lighter
It’s hard to quit smoking, especially when you know that lighter in your pocket will ensure that you never have to worry about unopened bottles again.

The Method

Lay the patch of skin between your thumb and index finger across the cap, covering it about halfway.
Take out your lighter and prop the bottom of it against the cap’s edge, above your index finger.
Gripping the bottleneck tightly, push up on the cap with the edge of your lighter, using your index finger as leverage. Keep pushing until the cap loosens or pops right off.
Drink up. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.

The Risks

WARNING: Flammable gas under pressure! Cheap plastic lighters have been known to explode when used incorrectly, so make sure you use the bottom of the lighter and stay away from any with cracks or other structural flaws. Carelessness could result in some unfortunate new nicknames, like Bleedy or Nubs.

Difficulty Level: 3

Another Beer
Beers, like geese and women going to the bathroom, tend to travel in groups. This bodes well for you, as another beer can serve as a very effective bottle opener.

The Method

Pick of two bottles with your dominant hand, gripping them so the cap of the first bottle is just under the edge of the second bottle’s cap.
Using your knee (or a hard surface, like your buddy’s head) slam the bottom bottle upward so it pushes against the upper bottle’s cap and pops it right off.
Drink up, and start looking for another bottle to open your next one.

The Risks

Obviously, this method requires that you have more than one beer handy, so if it’s your last one, you’re out of luck. Gripping two bottles can also get a little tricky for those with smaller hands, and is damn near impossible for guys who’ve already blown off a couple fingers trying to do the lighter trick.

Difficulty Level: 5

Ring
If you’re one of those poor saps who has been trapped by the soul-sucking institution we call marriage, there is an upside. That little trinket on your hand can do double duty: while warding off attractive single women, it can also serve as a decent bottle-opening device.

The Method

With your ring on, grasp the top of the bottle in your hand.
Close your hand over the cap, gripping it so the finger your ring’s on is laying over the top of the cap and the edge of your ring is flush against the bottom of the cap.
Keeping your grip tight, tilt your hand forward. The edge of the ring will peel off the cap and open the bottle.

The Risks

The proper ring makes all the difference. It should have sharp edges and be loose enough that you can just fit the edge of the cap between the ring and your finger. Slipping is the biggest issue here, so look out. You’ll have a much easier time explaining why you stayed out so late with the guys than you will explaining why there are huge gouges in your wedding band.

Difficulty Level: 7

Dollar Bill
Your friend doesn’t have a bottle opener. Chances are he has at least a dollar or two lying around, so ask to borrow one. Tell him your friendship depends on it. After all, this is true.

The Method

Fold the dollar bill in half and roll it up as tightly as possible.
Bend the rolled dollar bill in half to maximize the pressure at the bend.
Hold the bill tightly in place between your thumb and index finger, with the bent part sticking out.
Squeeze the bottle around its neck. Using your index finger, push the cap upwards with the bend in the dollar bill.
Continue applying pressure until it the cap pops off. Keep the bill as punishment for making you resort to such measures.

The Risks

Dollar bills are easily torn, especially against the sharp edges of a bottle cap. I went through three bills before I got it; the two casualties looked like they were on the losing end of a western gun battle. The trick is an extremely tight roll and a tight bend so the bill can handle large amounts of pressure without crumpling or tearing.

Difficulty Level: 9

Chainsaw
Occasionally, we don’t mess around.

The method

Place the beer on the ground near your feet, preferably on a flat, level surface.
Hold a running chainsaw parallel to the bottle, making sure the blades closest to the cap are moving upwards, toward your head.
Move the chainsaw toward the bottle very slowly, trying to just nick the cap with the blades. The cap will fly off at high speed, so watch it.

The Risks

Broken bottles, grievous wounds, and dismemberment.

Difficulty Level: 10

So there you have it. With a small amount of skill, the right implements, and a little ingenuity, losing a bottle opener will never be a problem again. MacGyver would be proud. Your mom, less so.

Next week: the best ways to open those twist-tops. Yep, we can do it with our eyes.

Zach Fowle is an editorial intern for DRAFT Magazine, and thinks bottle openers are overrated anyway.